Perfectionism
When Getting It Right Feels Safer Than Trusting Yourself
Trauma Therapy in Scottsdale • Telehealth across Arizona, California, Massachusetts, and Texas
Most people think perfectionism is about wanting everything to be perfect.
Often, it isn't.
It's about trying to prevent something from going wrong.
You may spend hours replaying a conversation, wondering whether you said the wrong thing. You may reread emails before sending them, worried you'll be misunderstood. You may hesitate to make decisions because choosing the "wrong" option feels far more significant than it should.
When perfectionism develops within emotionally unsafe relationships, getting things right can become a way of trying to stay emotionally secure.
Perfectionism Is Often About Preventing Criticism, Not Chasing Perfection
People often assume perfectionism comes from having high standards.
Sometimes it develops because the emotional consequences of making mistakes felt unpredictable.
If mistakes regularly led to tension, blame, emotional withdrawal, or feeling like you had let someone down, your nervous system may have learned to stay one step ahead.
You become careful.
You anticipate problems before they happen.
You look for the right words, the right decision, or the right response because getting something wrong no longer feels like a simple mistake.
Over time, certainty can begin to feel safer than making a decision and living with not knowing whether you got it right.
What It Can Look Like
Perfectionism doesn't always look like being organized or successful.
You may notice that you:
-
Replay conversations long after they've ended.
-
Spend a long time making decisions because you're afraid of choosing wrong.
-
Rewrite emails or text messages several times before sending them.
-
Worry about disappointing people even when no one has expressed disappointment.
-
Feel responsible for making sure things don't go wrong.
-
Struggle to relax because you're still thinking about what you could have done differently.
-
Feel relieved when something goes well, but only temporarily before worrying about the next mistake.
The goal often isn't perfection. It's avoiding the feeling that something has gone wrong.
Why It Can Be So Hard to Stop
Many people already know they are perfectionistic.
They may recognize that they overthink, check, rehearse, or worry about getting things wrong. They may even understand where these patterns came from.
But understanding the pattern does not necessarily make it stop.
Perfectionism often operates quickly and automatically, before you have time to consciously decide how you want to respond. You may notice yourself reviewing a conversation, reconsidering a decision, or checking something again before you even realize what you're doing.
That is part of why simply telling yourself to "stop overthinking" rarely works.
The pattern is not just a belief you need to change. It can become a learned way of responding to uncertainty, mistakes, and the possibility of getting something wrong.
Why Perfectionism Can Become So Automatic
Perfectionism can become automatic because the pattern is reinforced over time.
You notice something that might go wrong. You check, correct, reconsider, rehearse, or try to make it "right."
Then you feel some relief.
That relief can reinforce the behavior.
So the next time uncertainty appears, you are more likely to check again, reconsider the decision, rewrite the message, or replay what happened.
Over time, the cycle can become increasingly automatic:
uncertainty → checking or correcting → temporary relief → increased need to check or correct again
The problem is that each attempt to eliminate uncertainty can teach you that uncertainty itself is something you need to escape.
Eventually, perfectionism can become less about doing something well and more about trying to feel certain that you haven't done something wrong.
How Therapy Can Help With Perfectionism
When perfectionism develops in emotionally unsafe relationships, it can become a way of protecting yourself from the possibility of getting something wrong.
Therapy can help you understand how that pattern developed and recognize when perfectionism is taking over before you automatically respond by checking, correcting, rehearsing, or overthinking.
The goal isn't to stop caring about doing things well.
It's to make room for uncertainty, mistakes, and imperfect decisions without automatically responding by checking, correcting, or overthinking.
About the Author
Inbal Gurari, LCSW, is a trauma therapist specializing in helping adults recover after emotionally unsafe relationships and complex trauma. She helps people rebuild trust in their own perceptions, emotions, and judgment after experiences that left them questioning themselves.
You Don't Need to Have It All Figured Out
You don't have to stop being perfectionistic before beginning therapy.
If getting things right has become a way of trying to feel emotionally secure, therapy can help you understand the pattern and begin responding to it differently.
If this feels relevant, you’re welcome to take the next step.
If you're exploring perfectionism, you may also find these pages helpful:
→ Why You Don't Trust Yourself
Trauma Therapy in Scottsdale • Telehealth across Arizona, California, Massachusetts, and Texas